Let me share with you the journey of my breastfeeding story for 18 mths (ya I know 18 mths is nothing but at least a little success for a first time mum like me and yang suka merokok dan berfoya foya dulu) lol!

If not because of my friends and family members’s support, I wouldn’t make it this far. And the first person that I would like to thank is my gf, Ima. She is the bestest gf since I was in Secondary One.

When I first gave birth to Shibly, I thought that breastfeeding is just another not so important issue and that it can be done on and off whenever I like. I thought that I have the power to control my milk and decide when I should give my boy and when is the time that I should relax. But boy, I was wrong.

 I was fortunate that Ima was with me during the first day of my labour. Right after when the nurse came in and told me to milk my boy, I thought of asking for formula since I wasn’t ready to breastfeed him. When the nurse left, Ima came to me and asked if I wanted to breastfeed him or decides on formula. And so I chose to feed him with formula milk but Ima told me that breastfeeding is good and that I should try to breastfeed him. Of course lah I was reluctant because I don’t know how it feels if Shibly sucks my nipple. Will it be very ticklish? Steamy and some other nonsense dirty thoughts that came through my mind. Will there be any milk on my breast?

 Ima then asked for my permission if she could teach me how to breastfeed. Again, I felt reluctant but then I slowly began to open up my mind and think positively. I loosened up my buttons and let her touched my breast. It was weird I tell you but I have no choice and let her demo how to get the milk out of my breast. I was really blur and she told me to turn and twist my nipple until the milk came out. Well, to make it short, she then asked me to carry Shibly and hold him near my breast. I then told her..”tak payah dulu lah. Shibly tgh tidur tu. Dia blum nak susu lagi.” (Padahal dah takut tau nak tetekan Shibly)

Right after I told Ima that, Shibly then cried. I was like lar macam tau pulak budak ni. So I brought him near to my breast and kept quiet. Ima then told me that I have to be very patience and not to give up on him. Again, I was really blur. I tried to bring his mouth closer to my nipple but Shibly doesn’t seem to respond. He just kept quiet and still searching on something to suck. I then realised that newborn baby need time to be introduced to a thing called nipple. Although they may learn to suck their thumb in our womb, that doesn’t mean that they automatically knows how to suck our nipple. I began to give up cause it was kinda of tiring and frustating to see him struggling on my breast and started to cry. But luck was on my side. About 5 minutes later, Shibly started to recognise my nipple and began to suck slowly. And when he suck, I felt very stiffed. I was afraid to move just in case Shibly started to feel irritated with the movement of my body. Ima then gave me a pat and praised Shibly for being such a clever baby. I was happy but still lost why she did that.

Anyway, I did ask her how long do I need to breastfeed him. I was told that I have to breastfeed him as long as he wants. I was not happy with the answer and asked her again, you mean like what? 30 mins? 1 hour? She just smiled at me and told me to be patience. Shibly will know when to stop when he’s full. I still don’t get the whole thing. My mistake was, I didn’t bother to read more about breastfeeding when I was pregnant. I was being ignorant. So many questions lingered in my mind when I breastfeed him. I kept asking myself ada susu ke? Kenyang ke budak ni?

I was discharged from the hospital the next following day. I was very confident with the whole thing when I reached home. Then the nightmare started during the 2nd day. My breast started to swell and my milk started flowing from my breast. It was damn fucking pain. Yeah, I was very pandai because as mentioned earlier, I thought that I could control when to give and when not to give. Although the nurse has briefed us to feed our baby every 3 hours or when our breast has shown the sign of engorgement, I still took no notice of it. Very ignorant and arrogant I tell you. Stupid pun ada jugak lah. I cried and cried and didn’t know what to do. I tried to pump out my milk but it didn’t work and plus my nipple started to swell very badly. I had to use my hand and also warm towel to massage my breast and to let the milk out. I blamed my husband because he was one of the ppl who encouraged me to breastfeed Shibly. I also kinda blamed Ima who pandai2 taught me to breastfeed. At the end of the day, I was the one yang merana giler tetek bengkak bawah bengkak baby nangis2 nak susu. Takde orang pun nak share my pain. I tell you I was feeling so fucked-tup.

I was lucky my MIL was there and offered to sleep over my house and took care of Shibly. About 2 or 3 mths later, I thought the nightmare of having Shibly to struggle with my breast for milk has gone. But Shibly seems to be very uncomfortable with my breast at times. I was very stressed and felt that I have failed to breastfeed him. I then decided to google in the net and called Ima for more informations on breastfeeding issues. I then succeeded till now. My biggest mistake was that I mixed with formula milk all the way till now. Partly because I felt that I don’t have enough milk since I have trained to give him partial of formula milk when he was still a newborn baby. My mindset always focuses on fear. Fearing that Shibly won’t have enough milk and that my body can never produced more milk. Fearing that my nipple will get bengkak and berdarah again, (lol) and a lot of other things lah! I guess that is where the mistake lies.

Some mothers thought they cannot produce any milk even though they have bigger breast. That is not true. It is either you choose to endure the pain or give up and let your baby be fed with formula. It is either you choose to sleep the whole night without being disturbed (let your husband or helper to buat susu formula when baby cry for milk) or you choose to wake up every 2 or 3 hours at night to feed your baby. It is either you choose not to hegeh2 and nak senang hati goyang kaki going out dgn friends or family members or going out with friends/family and carik tempat nursing room to tetekkan anak. Or being muka selamba breastfeed kan budak in the public (in discreet way lah of course).

The bottom line is, all women are born with MILK. The only thing is whether you want to maintain the milk in your breast or not. Kalau nak ikutkan hati, my tetek pun dah takde susu lagik. Dah kering. Ini pun ala kadar aje. Of course I am not talking about mothers who gave birth to twins/triplets. I have to understand their situations. It is not easy ok to breastfeed your baby. Satu baby aje macam² azab. I cannot and really cannot imagine nak jaga dua or tiga budak at one time. Satu baby aje I dah feel frustrated. Duh.

And yes, the only thing that you can stop to breastfeed your baby is when they have started to show the sign that they are not interested with your milk anymore partly because they knew that the milk is decreasing and they are muak and nak muntah minum your susu tetek. Then they will let you know that they prefer formula milk seratus peratus. Till now, i am still waiting for that sign from Shibly. Everytime i offer tetek, mulut dia menganga aje. Kasi botol susu tolak2. Bila Shib lu mau give up? Heheheheeh.

Well, well, again, I was very lucky to have a very supportive family. My MIL, my mother and my husband has played the biggest role during the first few months of my breastfeeding journey and this is the most wonderful experience throughout my life. Not forgetting Alixara and yes you Ima, you again for giving me the encouragement and advice of breastfeeding!

Breastfeeding also has taught me to quit smoking. I knew of some breastfeeding mums who are still smoking and i don’t understand why they are doing that. Actually this is your personal choice lah whether you want to quit smoking or not. I didn’t want you to think that, ah konek ah breastfeeding bleh buat kita quit smoking. It’s not that ok? It is just about being yourself and how well you want to feed your son. I would love to smoke but memandangkan harga rokok mahal dan rokok illegal susah nak dapat, kim salam sudah lah ye. LIke my husband used to say, you hisap i punya lagik bagus. Free dan memuaskan. LOL! LOL!

I hope other mums won’t get offended with my entry. This is ‘no pun intended’. I am just sharing aje. Next entry, I will share again with you the many breastfeeding experience mums in my office. The stories are cute and funny! See ya!

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